These Dreams
by NeverWonder
Summary: An introspective look into Rachel's thought processes during "Asian F"


**Spoilers:** Episode Three "Asian F"  
><strong>AN:** I knew I wanted to write this when I saw the promos for "Asian F", and after seeing the episode, my heart broke for Rachel. Her perspective is difficult for me to capture, and I hope I did her justice.

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><p>Mercedes was her friend, right? Or did she just make that up in her head? Sometimes she thinks that she makes up all her friendships in her head. She really is lonely, and, while Finn is a wonderful boyfriend, it's not the same as having a best friend. Her friendship with Kurt is so tenuous, and she fears that one day she'll do or say something to ruin that too. Sometimes she just wants to curl up and cry because she doesn't understand why she has to choose. Sure, she's said over and over that she'd rather be a star, but if she's being honest that's not really true anymore. She talks to Finn about it, and he sort of understands; she just hopes that it doesn't hurt his feelings that she wants a friend outside their relationship because he always tells her that he is her friend.<p>

She has done everything possible to keep her competition with Mercedes friendly; she doesn't want to lose her friend over a role in the show, even if it's a dream role. Standing in the wings, she watches Mercedes sing, and it's as if she's watching a brand new girl on stage; Mercedes is brilliant, and suddenly she fears for her chances in a way she never has before. Maria is a dream come true, but now she worries that perhaps she isn't such a lock for the role after all. What if she doesn't get the part? Tears well in her eyes as she rushes away from the auditorium, and when Finn tries to comfort her, all she can do is shake her head and cry while he rubs her back and tries to convince her that she deserves the part.

A tiny spark of hope flares when Artie pulls her aside and tells her to meet the directors, and she knows immediately that one of two things has happened; Mercedes is already there, and she doesn't look happy. The tension in the room is painful, but she graciously accepts the idea of a call back because they are common in the business; after all, it's just another part of her future career. What she doesn't expect is the way Mercedes reacts; doesn't she understand how commonplace call backs are? When they are given a song from _Fame_, she's thrilled; the song is perfect. But the tone in Mercedes' voice is sharper than she expects, and she knows things are not going to be pleasant. Outside the room, she offers to hug Mercedes, but instead she receives another nasty shock; she can feel her friendship fading away with every word she says. As she watches Mercedes walk away, Rachel can't help but feel that everything is going to change.

She later hears that Mercedes walked out of Booty Camp and that she's out of Glee; instinctively she wants to find her and tell her that she's making a mistake because the club needs her. But then Finn confirms the story she heard from Santana in the bathroom, and her heart drops to her feet. How can Mercedes think that she's the club favorite? Is she really an 'ass kisser', whatever that means? So much for her friend, if they really were friends at all. Maybe they weren't friends, and looking back, Rachel thinks that perhaps she invented the idea of being friends with Mercedes. She wants to cry, but she can't. When Santana quips that Mercedes seemed out of line, Rachel tries not to look shocked and let it distract her. She needs to focus on her audition because she needs this role.

She's nervous, and even Finn, with his arms around her murmuring encouragement in her ear, is not enough to help. She catches Mercedes' eye across the stage, but instead of a smile she sees only grim determination on the other girl's face. Finn tells her that she's earned the part, that its already hers, and she wants to believe him; when she offers Mercedes a friendly smile at the coin toss, she doesn't expect her to return one, and so she isn't as hurt when the other girl snaps out tails and pretends like she isn't standing there. She wonders if letting Mercedes go first is a good idea; she was trying to be a good sport, but now she thinks it might be a mistake because Mercedes is amazing. No amount of encouragement from Finn helps, and when she takes her place on stage after the other girl is finished, she feels woefully inadequate. Mercedes was better, and she knows it; she tries not to show her nervousness as she sings, but the moment she leaves the stage she wants to run and hide. Finn finally finds her in the empty French classroom, sobbing.

The idea comes quickly, and she rushes off to tell Coach Beiste because she's desperate; it doesn't occur to her that it might count as a betrayal because honestly she sort of assumes that she and Kurt would have a friendly competition, and she underestimates how seriously he's taking this election. She needs something that will make her senior year stand out, especially after that fiasco at the NYADA mixer, and running for senior class president seems like a perfect plan. But then Kurt approaches her at the lockers, and even that plan falls apart; he snaps at her, accusing her of casting her friends aside, and it's all she can do not to cry because he should know how important her friends are to her. After all, she has so few. Was running in the election really such a horrible betrayal? She watches him walk away, and her heart shatters; first Mercedes and now Kurt, were those friendships really that fragile, were they even real?

Double casting is normal for high school shows, but she sort of wishes that she'd won the part out right; in an effort to be a mature adult about the situation, she simply smiles and tells Mercedes what a pleasure it will be to share the spotlight with her because, in all honesty, she's learned at least that much from being a part of Glee. After all that has happened during the week, she's not sure why she's surprised when Mercedes is angry and snaps at the idea of being double cast as Maria instead of having the role all to herself, but it still shocks her when the other girl asks why everyone is so afraid to hurt her feelings. She bites her lip, a sudden flash of painful memories flooding her memory; no one, as Finn often put it, pulled any punches for her, not even her boyfriend or her supposed best friend. No one had ever been afraid of hurting her feelings. When Mercedes leaves the room, Rachel's sure of it; her friendship with Mercedes is over, and there isn't much she can do to stop it.

She wishes that she could greet Finn with a smile when she's sees him waiting by her locker, and she really wishes she could smile when she tells him that she got the part; there isn't a smile, though, because she lost a friend, and she wonders if the part is even worth it anymore. When Finn doesn't hug her, she knows that he's still upset about the election, and he's not happy when she says she isn't pulling out of the race; she isn't sure why she's still running, but she does sort of think maybe she could make a difference. She promises herself that she won't make Finn choose, that she won't even ask, but Kurt already has; part of her is glad that he didn't know who he was voting for because she can't bear to have him resent her for making him choose. She's already lost her best friend and Mercedes; she can't lose Finn too.

When the cast list goes up, she wishes she was actually happy about it; she wishes that she felt even a little excitement. Everyone else is thrilled, with the exception of Kurt, but she just couldn't bring herself to even smile. Maria is a dream come true, a role she's wanted since she saw _West Side_ _Story_ for the first time at the age of seven, and yet she just wants to run and cry. Finn is upset because of the rift between her and Kurt, and Kurt and Mercedes haven't spoken to her since the audition and her decision to run for class president. Everything has changed, and she feels so lonely; it's an empty victory, and she doesn't know what to do with the feeling. She drives herself home because Finn has football practice and then work, and when she gets there her fathers greet her with bright smiles, asking if she got the part; she just nods and pushes past them to go upstairs to her room, collapsing on her bed and lets herself cry because for the first time she feels like her dreams aren't enough.


End file.
